The Cottage Cheese Incident

At school, Doug is forced to eat one of his least favorite foods - cottage cheese!

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SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome to Dougie Waggie Story. Coming to you today from Coal Arts Camp in Oakland, California. Give it up for Call Art Camp. You can do better than that. Yeah, why don't you say your name, everybody? Did you get that? Did you get that? Okay. I think we did. We are now in week number eight of our camp. We have two more weeks after this. Now, depending on when this uh episode gets posted up on uh on the podcast, you might still have time to come to the camp. That's if you live in the Bay Area. Now, if you live in Taiwan or South Africa or Australia. Um that might yeah, we do have actually two uh children here from uh Shanghai, China, who are visiting. And um so yeah, they're staying with their aunties, so that's kind of cool. We have listeners now in something like 86 countries and 940 cities, so that's pretty cool. Give it up for for that. Okay. Now, so today's episode is called the Cottage Cheese Incident. Yes, and some other additional little stories that go with it. Now, um, this is a true story. When I was in high school, I went to a school called Sidwell Friends, which is a kind of fancy private school in Washington, D.C. where I grew up, and my dad worked for my dad worked for the government, and my mom worked uh for the city, and uh we moved there when I was 10 from Ohio, and that was kind of a nice, interesting change in my life to go from one city to a new city, making new friends, and I went to a new school, and I was there for two years. But I really like the school, it was called Georgetown Day School, but um my parents weren't that thrilled with the school back then. Now now I've heard it's a good school, but back then it was a little too loosey-goosey, and I wasn't really learning anything. And if you listen to some of my other podcasts, like the woo-woo whistle, that one all about the naughty boys that were in my fifth and sixth grade class who blew up the teacher's whistle. You might want to go back and listen to the woo-woo whistle because that's a popular episode. Um, but my parents moved me from that school and they took me to a school called Sidwell Friends, which was more fancy and more difficult, like more challenging, I would say, as far as academically more challenging, if you know what I mean. Like it was hard, the work was harder, more homework, and stricter teachers. And you had to wear, get this, a uniform.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

Also it was a private school.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

It's private school.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

I love those private schools.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

Um you know whose kids went to that school? I'm glad it was. For Barack Obama's two daughters, Sasha and Malia. Not when I was there, I'm a lot older than them, obviously. And uh other presidents' kids have gone there, and a lot of famous kids have gone there, kids of famous people have gone there. But that's not really the point of the story. The point of the story is it was a strict school. You had to wear, it wasn't exactly a uniform, but you had to wear a tie and a jacket. And you had to wear shoes that had laces. You couldn't wear loafers. I mean, weird rules. Also, you had to keep a loafer's, you know, shoe without laces. You also had to keep your hair short. You had to it had to be over your ears and over your collars. No, for a boy. And the girls had to wear skirts. They couldn't wear pants or jeans or anything. Okay, well with it. It was a strict dress policy. Now that has changed since then. I I'll tell you about the change. That's part of the story. But the other thing is that we had lunch all together in the cafeteria, and you couldn't choose what you want. There was only one thing. You had to eat what they were serving that day. If you liked it or not. Okay. And you would get in line and you would get a tray and they would serve the food, and you had to sit at an assigned table with eight or ten other kids and a teacher, and that would rotate every month, and you would just get an assignment. Okay, you're gonna be at table seven, you're gonna be at table ten, and some of the teachers were like really nice, and they didn't force you to like eat everything, but some of the teachers were really strict.

unknown 5:16

Did you have a strict one?

SPEAKER_01 5:18

And the most strict teacher that everybody couldn't stand to be at her table. Her name was Miss Rosebruck. She was very elderly, she had been at the school for 55 years teaching Latin. You know what Latin is? It's a language that's that they spoke in ancient Rome, and and um it's no longer spoken, really. I mean, they speak it in the church, like the Catholic Church and stuff, but um I don't know why they taught us Latin. It was kind of weird, but she was very serious about teaching the kids Latin, and she had this kind of voice, kind of like this. Her name is Miss Rosebrook, and she's like, children, take out your Latin books, and now do your assignment. And it's like, um I mean she was a nice lady, she wasn't mean or anything, but she was very old-fashioned, okay? Very old-fashioned, and she made you eat everything on your plate, whether you liked it or not. You could not get up from her table until you ate everything. She called it the she called it the clean plate. Um, of course, you could get up and go to the bathroom, but you couldn't be dismissed for recess or anything uh if you were at Miss Rosebruck's table.

SPEAKER_00 6:39

Unless you ate everything on your plate, young man.

SPEAKER_01 6:42

You're a growing boy. And I was kind of short, so she she really so I got assigned to her table one month. It was the Okay, and I was like, Can you read your son? And I'm like, oh, you got Miss Rosebruck. I feel sorry for you. And I'm like, why? Haven't you heard? Not really. Uh she makes you eat everything on your plate. I'm like, oh God. I was like, what if you don't like it? They're like, doesn't matter. You have to eat it. And I'm like, oh god, because I was a picky eater. You know, like how many of you here are kind of picky eaters? Uh kind of medium picky? What if someone put a big big slab of liver on your plate? Onions with liver. Or liver with onions.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

That's the best thing.

SPEAKER_01 7:33

Alright, well.

SPEAKER_00 7:34

I don't want to eat that.

SPEAKER_01 7:36

When I was a kid, I really didn't like cottage cheese. My mom forced me to eat cottage cheese one day, and I I was I was like, oh god, I just I mean, I like it now. Not I don't really eat it that much, but I I don't mind it. How many of you like cottage cheese? Do you like it with fruit?

SPEAKER_00 7:55

I don't like cottage cheese, but I really eat it is it's like in waffles. I say nothing with cottage cheese.

SPEAKER_01 8:05

Well, listen, um, when I was a kid, I really didn't like cottage cheese. And one time my mom forced me to eat it, and I went and I said, Oh, I'm gonna throw up. And I went to the bathroom, and I like pretended I was throwing up just to make a, you know, like be a drama queen. I was like, oh, ooh, ooh, and my mom comes and she's like, You're faking. Then she said, I'm like, no, I'm not faking. She said, let me look at the toilet completely clean. She's like, faking. I said, Mom, don't make me eat cottage cheese. She said, Okay, fine. I I'm sorry, I won't force you. So, ever since I was like six, I hated cottage cheese. Okay, never ate it. Even the sight of it made me want to throw up. Well, on the third day at Miss Rosebrook's table, okay. I get in line, and guess what was on the menu that day? Rice with cream chicken, which I liked. And cottage cheese with peaches. I'm like, and I'm like, I'm like, oh no, no, not peaches with cottage cheese. The peaches I didn't mind. Sure. Everybody likes peaches. Um I'm like, oh god, this is gonna be a problem. Really? Really, all year no one is served cottage cheese. And I get stuck at Miss Rosebruck's table with the cottage cheese, I'm like, oh god, think fast, dude. You gotta do something. So I'm sitting there eating slowly, trying to figure out a plan, and then I said, I've got it. So I got a napkin, and when Miss Rosebruck was like distracted doing something else, I I scraped the cottage cheese into the napkin which was on my lap. Very thin napkin, by the way. Wrap it up. I wasn't wearing my sport coat because it was a hot day, so I was so I had no place to put it. So I basically stuck it down my pants.

unknown 10:16

Put it in your pockets.

SPEAKER_01 10:19

The pockets, they didn't, I was wearing kind of baggy pants. I said the only place to put it is, so I like stick the cottage cheese napkin down my pants, and she's like, she's like, and she looks at okay, Doug, you may go. You are dismissed. I'm like, thank you, Mrs. Rosebruck. And I start to walk out, and I feel the cottage cheese like cold on my legs. The napkin had broken, and it starts dribbling down my legs and it comes out onto my shoe.

SPEAKER_00 10:54

You're in trouble.

SPEAKER_01 10:55

And as I'm walking out, she goes, Doug, is that cottage cheese on your shoes? And I'm like, uh, I must have spilled some. And then she looks more carefully and she said, That's a lot of cottage cheese on your shoes. And I'm like, she said, Did you? And then the napkin comes down, she goes, Doug, go see Mr. Turner. Mr. Turner was the vice principal. And the vice principal is the guy in charge of like if you're in trouble, he's the guy that like calls your parents or gives you detention, um, or gives or gives you warnings, and he was really strict. And I did not like him. People feared him because he was like big? No, he was not big, actually. He was normal, but he was just he was the strict guy. He's the guy that made sure your hair was short and that you were wearing the right clothes, and he was like the enforcer, right? He was like the cop.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

And I was like the gender police.

SPEAKER_01 12:02

And then he's like, she's like, go see Mr.

SPEAKER_00 12:05

Go see Mr. Turner! I did not like you trying to trick me with the cottage cheese. Who was that? Mr. Elmo.

SPEAKER_01 12:13

So I have I go into Mr. Turner's office and he goes, So, Doug, uh, Mrs. Rosebrook said you were playing with your food or something. I said, Mr. Turner, listen, I've hated cottage cheese since I was a kid. It makes me sick. It's really not fair that she's the only teacher that makes you eat all your food. Okay, I admit it. I put it down my pants because otherwise I would have been throwing up. And he he looks at me and goes, Yeah, you know, you're kind of right. He said, I need to speak to her about that. She's very old-fashioned. I said, Yeah, very old-fashioned. And so we so we started this like campaign. It's like it was like, let us choose, let it, we make signs, it's like, let us choose our own food. Let it and so they gave us more options. And guess what else they did? They said, if you want to bring food from home instead of the cafeteria food, you don't have to choose the cafeteria plan. Or if you were a junior or a senior, which is 11th or 12th grade, you can go off campus and have lunch and come back. Because we had like almost an hour for lunch, and there were all these like sandwich shops and stuff nearby. So anyway, we got permission to not have to eat that food, but we had one other cause, our hair. We wanted to grow our hair because we were all becoming hippies. You know what a hippie is?

SPEAKER_00 13:52

No.

SPEAKER_01 13:53

You don't know what a hippie is? No. A hippie was back in the day, we would grow our hair long, we'd listen to rock music, and um and everybody was growing their hair long, like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones, and uh Jimi Hendrix and all of our rock heroes were growing their hair long, and the doors and all these cool bands, and yeah, that was the name of a famous band. Doris? The doors, like a door, like a window or a door. And we adored the doors, and and their lead singer was had had like really long hair and stuff. Okay, so we started trying to cheat, grow our hair a little bit longer, a little bit longer, a little bit longer. And guess who the enforcer was?

unknown 14:45

Mr.

SPEAKER_01 14:45

Turner. Mr. Turner. And he would do inspections. And if he caught you with your hair below your collar or over your ears, he'd say, see me tomorrow morning. I need to see that you've had a haircut. I'm like, oh man, we really wanted to grow our hair long. And so I went and got my haircut, and I told the barber, just cut as little as possible. And the barber's like, okay, but it's it's still gonna cost the same amount of money. I said, I don't care. I want to keep it as long as possible. And so he cuts like just a little bit off. He cuts just a little bit off. I go back to school the next day. I have to report to Mr. Turner's office. He goes, Nope. Too long. You go back, come back tomorrow, show me that you've cut your hair. So I I go back to the barber. I said, I need a little more cutoff. He's like, okay, fine, I'll do it for free. Cuts a little more off. I go back to school the next day. Mr. Turner looks at me. No, do you not understand English? It has to be over your ears and over your collar. I'm like, oh. I'm like, okay, I go back to the barber shop. He cuts a little more off, and I said, save all the hair you cut, put it in a baggie for me. I want to show it as evidence to Mr. Turner. And do you have any extra hair that matches the color so that I can put it in the baggie? And he looks around. Okay, here's some. He had just cut somebody's hair that was similar to mine. He's and he's like, he puts it in a baggie for me. I report to Mr. Turner's office the next morning. I was like, here, here's the evidence. He goes, he inspects me. Okay, fine. You pass.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

You've got long hair, kind of.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

No, it was, it was, he said, you barely passed. But guess what? We started making a protest. All the boys were like, we need to make a petition. You know what a petition is? Where people sign a form. And it was like, we, the juniors and seniors at Sidwell Friends protest, we would like to be able to grow our hair. Freedom! We want freedom. And we added another thing to our protest: no more suits and jackets. And the girls had, and no more skirts. And we all start having these pro we start having all these protests. And at lunchtime, we had these marches, and we made little signs like let us grow our hair. No more jackets and no more skirts. And we want to be able to wear loafers or whatever kind of shoes we want. Freedom for the feet. Free the feet. Free the dress code. Free the hair code. And so finally, one day we had an assembly, and the principal gets up, not Mr. Turn, he was the vice principal. The principal gets up and he goes, the board of directors has made a decision. We've been listening to your protests, and we agree. Girls, you may now wear pants. Boys, you can wear what you want. And you may grow your hair as long as you want. And it's like, woo!

unknown 18:28

Everyone knows what they mean.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

And oh, and then not everyone grew their hair. Some kids still liked it short, depending on their style. But you should see my senior year, yearbook picture. I don't have it. My hair is down in my shoulders. All a lot of the boys had long hippie hair. The black guys had these big afros that were like a foot tall.

unknown 18:53

The black people were afros?

SPEAKER_01 18:55

You know, afros like when when the black guys grow their hair long and and and it's tall and puffy. And that was the style back then, okay? And so we had the hippies and the afros, and the girls were wearing their their hippie clothes and and and um you could wear whatever shoes you want. And so that was cool. And but then I got in trouble again a little bit with Mr. Turner. You want to hear this one?

unknown 19:27

Yes!

SPEAKER_01 19:29

Okay, this is like a slightly well, it's kind of related. Okay. But um we had I went to a school the school that I went to is the school I went to called Sidwell Friends. It's called Friends because um it's a Quaker school and the Quakers call each other friends. Quaker is like a religion, sort of. And every Friday morning we had Quaker meeting for worship, which is you would go into the gym and they had chairs set up, and you would just sit silently. And if someone wanted to speak, they would stand up and speak, and otherwise it was completely silent. And anybody who wanted to speak could get up and speak. And so um I never did that because I was shy, and I didn't really have anything I wanted to say. But people would say things like, End the war in Vietnam, or you know, they would say something like, Let us like even before they let us grow our hair long, people would stand up, they'd go, We protest not being able to grow our hair, or not and the girls would get up, and we protest not being able to wear pants, and then they'd sit down. And so it's like little pro that's where the protest started. Okay. Well, you had a sign seating, and I sat next to my friend Pierre, who was my good friend, and I was in a band with him, but he was a troublemaker, uh-huh, and he was a prankster, and he loved getting us in trouble, and he had a little special skill. Besides being very smart and very good on the guitar, he had a certain bodily function that he could control. His farts. He was a fart master. He could make them short and squeaky, like squeak. He could make them long and like thunderous, like like um and and he could make them from not smelly to super smelly. And his the goal was to make us laugh in Meeting for Worship because he wanted to get us in trouble. And and I was like, Pierre, do not make us laugh this time. And he'd like, oh, I won't. And then I'd sit down and he would let out some hilarious sounding fart, and we would start giggling, and the principal would look at us like because giggling and meaningful worship was like. No, no. You had to be all silent and serious. And Pierre just wanted to get us in trouble. And of course, he never laughed. He's one of these kids that made you laugh, but he never laughed. You know, he'd be like all like you know what I mean? Like stonefaced. And finally, one day he cracked us up so much. I don't know what the fart was, but it was kind of a woo-woo woo woo, like a siren or something. How he did that, I don't know. He had a special power. He had a special power. And we cracked up so hard, and then the principal's like, and then he said, Go see Mr. Turner. I'm like, oh God. Not him. And he and Mr. Turner's like, you've been warned, boys, you keep giggling and disrespecting meaningful worship. Now, I didn't want to bust my friend, because he was my best friend. I didn't want to get him in trouble, but I didn't want to take the blame for it either. So, what should a guy do? Should you bust your best friend?

SPEAKER_00 23:03

Yes. It's his fault.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

I said, Mr. Turner, look, I don't want to get Pierre in trouble. He's like, oh, Pierre? Yeah, Pierre's already been in trouble. What is it this time? He farts. He's like, okay, what's so funny about that? No, he does that on purpose. He makes these weird animal sounds and he does it just to make us laugh. Can you please move us so I don't have to sit next to him? And he's like, okay, fine. And so he calls Pierre in. And he says, Pierre, you're gonna sit somewhere else and stop farting and meeting for worship. I've heard the stories. He goes, Oh, Mr. Turner, uh, that's not on purpose. I have a stomach problem. I'm lactose intolerant.

SPEAKER_00 23:51

So why are you out from Darryl?

SPEAKER_01 23:53

And I'm being treated by a doctor. We're trying to get it under control. Total lie. Total lie. And Mr. Turner's like, really? Okay, bring me a note in from your doctor. Have your parents sign a note. And then so I don't know if Pierre ever like got a fake note. Probably knowing Pierre, he he he probably got a fake note from a fake doctor. Um Pierre actually got in big trouble at the school. You know what he did? He was a naughty boy. You know what he did? He he snuck into the chemistry lab and he made an explosion in the chemistry lab and blew up half of the chemistry lab. Just as a prank because he wanted to be the class clown. He was the prankster.

SPEAKER_00 24:47

You mean the class clown?

SPEAKER_01 24:48

Yeah, kind of the class clown. But you know what he ended up doing? He ended up being the vice president of Exxon Mobil, which is the one of the largest companies in the world that provides most of the gas that you get at the gas station. He had a big, big, big job. Oh, yeah, a gas station, right. A perfect job for Mr. Farty Pants. I hope he didn't cause any gas explosions. Poor Thompson.

SPEAKER_00 25:19

Can he still do it?

SPEAKER_01 25:22

Well, unfortunately, he he passed away a few years ago. So but we we did laugh about it. Uh the the last few times I talked to him, I didn't realize he was so sick, but we laughed about the time that he made us fart in Meaningful Worship. And um fart? Yeah. The time he he made us laugh in Meaningful Worship. And anyway, Pierre Pres Okay, Pierre President, wherever you are, I hope you're laughing and having a good time and playing pranks. And that's it for the Dougie Wuggy story hour for the book. Over and out.